An Amazing Secret on How to Last Longer in Bed
I’m currently immersed in writing my new book, Riot in the Sheets and this question came up from one of my clients who’s interested in lasting longer in bed. A quick search around the Internet reveals so many struggling people (as well as advice columnists who are likely still virgins with the advice they are giving…).
Seriously? Read the Kama Sutra? How is that even advice?! The Kama Sutra is a book that you would read if you were the kind of person who already reads cryptic, elaborate, often unintelligible books in the first place. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a life-changing book. But what 20 year old searching online would actually follow that advice? It seems to me that most people have this book in their libraries to seem like they are worldly, but when you pull it off the shelf and open it, you can hear the spine cracking from first ever use.
When it comes to sex and how to make it last longer, there aren’t any easy fixes (unless you consider one of those gross “desensitizing creams”). It has less to do with technique and everything to do with who you are. It’s all in your minds, people!
The Brain is Your Biggest Sex Organ
Except for the first few times you have sex, every orgasm you have gets triggered by the brain. There is a point in every sexual encounter that you say to yourself, “Okay. Here goes!” Minutes to seconds later, a mess is made. Even if you can only last for about a minute, there is still a point where you know what’s going to happen next. The trick to lasting longer is to recognize that “point of no return” and how you react to it.
In order to last longer during sex, you must keep the activity just shy of TOO LATE. This is the Zero Point State of orgasm. Going there has to be a conscious decision on your part. You must teach yourself to recognize when the intensity is building too high and actively do something to stop it from losing control.
How do you Stop an Orgasm?
There are many ways to slowly remove your finger from the trigger that will help you have longer sex and help you become a better lover. All of them require you knowing how far is too far. Once you know you’ve gone past the zero point state, then bam–sex is over.
A great way to familiarize yourself with this final predicament is through masturbation. Yep… masturbate. What you are doing is getting yourself just to the point of ejaculation and then stopping completely. When that feeling subsides, then bring yourself to that point again and stop. You want to know exactly where you lose control and how to control it.
Becoming a master at this tiny little moment is what makes you last longer. You can keep yourself in a place of continuous bliss if you can flirt with the edge of this moment and let it subside and then ramp up the intensity again and let it settle. Conversely, if you can do just this one thing to your lover also, you will be considered an unbelievably connected lover.
It is important to note right now that sex is not a race. You have no other goal than your and your lover’s pleasure. You aren’t trying to start a fire with friction. You’re not trying to set a land speed record with your hips. You are doing something timeless and synchronous with that person sharing this moment with you.
In my book, Riot in the Sheets, I talk about how to move massive amounts of energy around during sex. Imagine being able to send this orgasmic energy into your lover instead of climaxing and ending this breathtaking experience! That’s right, you can give your lover your orgasms instead of taking them and ejaculating. Of course, eventually, you ejaculate. But once you’ve swirled this energy around and shared it with your love, your final orgasms become detonations that are more powerful than anything you thought possible inside your body.
So you’ve identified your zero point state and now you’re sharing time with your lover. How do you keep from cumming too fast when you have this all this sexy in front of you to distract and complicate? There are many things you can do! The best part is that they all help make you a better lover!
- Stop Completely. Pull all the way out if you have to. People love it when you take your time. If you feel like you’re getting to close or you’ve gone too far, just stop. This is a good time to kiss your lover or stroke their skin. Let that explosion subside completely and then start moving again. This may seem weird to you, but as long as you keep focused on your lover during these moments, it will seem seamless to them and it will take your mind off of ejaculation.
- Shallow strokes. Less friction on the penis means less intensity. It still feels great just not so overwhelming.
- All in. You can also achieve less friction by pushing all the way in and just letting that new sensation sink in. It’s an amazing feeling for your lover also. No need to move around, just feel that fullness and let your body settle.
- Change positions. The moments it takes to roll yourself or someone over provides a perfect time to calm down and be ready for more action. There is no rush to get back in there! Take this time for kissing and stroking and building anticipation for more.
- Don’t follow directions. Huh?! If your partner is demanding harder and faster and whatever else they are screaming so loud the neighbors can hear, don’t do it if it’s going to make sex end sooner than you want it to. Besides, it’s fun to playfully torture someone by not giving them what they are begging for. Not only that, it makes their final orgasm exponentially more powerful.
- Exhale deeply. When you Rapture Riot, you will learn that all the energy of the zero point state can be compressed and moved to wherever you want in your body. You can even exhale it into your lover. Think of it as blowing off steam in order to prevent an explosion…
You don’t have ruin sex for yourself by thinking of naked family members or sports statistics. Distractions bring you out of the experience and further away from your lover. Lasting longer in bed doesn’t mean that you have to forget that you are here with someone sharing this experience with you. There is nothing stopping you from stopping sex completely to give your lover a back rub and then getting back in on the action.
Slow down, Buckaroo!
Make each sexual experience a connective experience by focusing less on your needs and instead on making each time special and unforgettable. You can learn how to last longer in bed as soon as you get into the mindset that there is no time limit to how long you can make this last. Enjoy your sex life. Don’t be so eager to get in. Everything you do during sex can take a lot longer than you are allowing for.